Saturday, 7 May 2016

Running on empty.

I have been saying something for quite a while now. It's something that I say in reaction to people who talk about regrets or when people mutter things like 'oh I wish I could', or, 'I'd love to, but...'.
It often stops people in their tracks and most say 'oh Carly, don't say that', but I mean it, I live it, I stand by it and I will tell it again.
So to anyone that needs to hear it, I say this... that I could die tomorrow and I'd be happy, that I have done all I can already.
The thing is I really am done and all the rest is extra. Marvellous, great, possibly and probably painful extra, but yeah, superfluous.
I started early. I began living when I could and I was allowed to do that at the breakneck speed that has always been in my nature. I have lived on the edge, of cliffs, knives, on the edge of my seat and at the ends of the earth and I have jumped into things, a lot of things, usually with eyes closed.
I have done dumb stuff that gave me my backbone and I have done clever things, that became so only when hindsight hit. I have hurt, been hurt, fought been found and then instantly got myself lost. I have sung from up high, danced with the low life and scuttled between rocks in a turning tide.
Days have hounded me and hunted me and I have grabbed them and wrung their necks and then given them the kiss of life.
And what I say to you now is that yeah, I could die tomorrow with the knowledge that I have not done easy, that I have not done calm or mediocre or beige. I have not done things right but I did not do things wrong. You don't need to be completed by doing the things that fill you up. Get emptied out and then take a look and say, look there's my heart and there is my soul and nothing else was needed.

Saturday, 30 April 2016

Weird...

I live in a triangle. It's not normal I know, but then that is normal for me. It is completely unpractical and tall people visit only once. But it is whimsical and weird and that counts for a lot in my world.
I live with three points of enclosure rather than four, my home is a crashed star, where only one fifth is visible. It's a pyramid without the hefty overtones, an alpine chalet without the snow.
And I'll let you in on a secret; a weird imagining that nods at a quirk that is possibly quirkier than most. I like to imagine that actually, my house is just the roof of a normal abode. That under the ground the four walls of a grand family home remain.
I can picture the family that live there, their routines, arguments, laughter and annoyance at the strange sounds that come from their roof. They are house proud and right wing and they watch the news every night.
And this is where my imaginings get really skewed. This family of ground dwellers, these subterranean John Key voters that live under my feet actually believe every word that TV 3 tells them. Weird. Odder than strange. Down right peculiar. Who would of thought.
Unbelievable really.

Friday, 29 April 2016

And she's back...

Two years since my last post and yeah, I could go down the 'a lot has happened' route...but I won't, because, well the tedium of that would probably make this my first in ages post but then my last pretty quick. Life is relentless, it forges on and up, sometimes down, spiralling, spinning, nose diving, flat lining and then flapping the fuck out to get back up. It's tough, it's great and it is what it is. Life goes on, gets on and greets a new day, an old sun and an even older moon. We can't stop it, even if we want to.
We have made time, we have made days and we have made our bed which we must lie in. I often think about how bloody wonderful it would be to press pause on that big button, the one that flashes life, on and off like an old Christmas light. A pause to think, a time to step off, to bloody stop the perpetual movement forward, onwards, upwards and beyond what was yesterday and last year and last decade.
 I'm tired, I am often scared, often confused and forever angry at the axis that spins us away from what was and what is and what could of been. But thank goodness I am also full of this life. This life that yes, bloody grinds me down, but it pulls me too. Like when you see a tide turn on a west coast beach and it rushes towards you with surprising velocity. It knows gravity and it knows the elemental force of what it is supposed to do and it just does.
So, yes, I'm still here...doing... being done in daily, but doing the thing that I do, to not only get through, but to survive and strive and drive this life as best I can. Because what else can I do?